Divorce is often one of the most challenging experiences a family can go through, and while adults are dealing with their own emotions, children are also processing the changes in their own way. In a recent live episode of the Modern Arizona Podcast, Modern Law owner Billie Tarascio sat down with therapist Becca Meachem to discuss trauma, healing, and how parents can best support their children through the process.
Understanding Divorce as a Form of Trauma
One of the biggest takeaways from the conversation was the recognition that divorce is a traumatic event for children—no matter how amicable the split may be. Parents may want to downplay the impact, but as Becca explained, acknowledging the reality of the situation is crucial to a child’s emotional well-being. Denying that divorce causes trauma doesn’t do kids any favors. Instead, parents should approach their child’s emotions with empathy and an open mind, helping them process their feelings rather than dismissing them.
The Importance of Curiosity and Validation
A key tool parents can use to support their children through divorce is curiosity. Rather than imposing their own narratives about the situation, parents should encourage kids to share their own experiences. Too often, adults assume they know how their children are feeling or tell them how they should feel, instead of truly listening to them.
Becca used an example of a child falling off a trampoline to highlight this point. When her young niece fell, the child wasn’t immediately concerned about potential injuries—she was focused on the experience of falling. Similarly, when children go through a divorce, they may not be reacting to the event in the way their parents expect. Instead of assuming what their children are going through, parents should ask open-ended questions like, “What’s hurting right now?” or “How are you feeling about everything?” This approach allows kids to feel heard and validated.
Managing Parental Guilt and Reframing the Experience
Parents often carry a great deal of guilt when their children experience trauma, particularly in the context of divorce. However, Becca suggests reframing this perspective. Parents don’t feel guilty when their child scrapes a knee while playing outside; instead, they offer comfort and help the child heal. Emotional wounds from divorce should be approached in the same way. Rather than focusing on guilt, parents should focus on support and guidance, ensuring their children have the tools they need to process their emotions in a healthy way.
Helping Children Regulate Emotions
Children—especially those experiencing trauma—often struggle with emotional regulation. One of the most effective ways parents can help their kids is by modeling emotional regulation themselves. When emotions are running high, it’s easy to react impulsively. However, Becca emphasized that parents should recognize their own emotional responses and take a step back when necessary. Instead of responding in frustration, they can say, “I’m feeling really upset right now, and I want to take a few minutes to calm down before we talk about this.”
By demonstrating healthy emotional management, parents teach their children how to handle big feelings without shutting down or lashing out.
Grounding Techniques for Stress and Anxiety
Becca also shared some practical strategies for managing stress and anxiety, both for parents and children. Grounding techniques help bring awareness to the present moment, calming the nervous system and reducing feelings of overwhelm. Some effective methods include:
The Orange Exercise: Imagine holding and peeling an orange. Focus on the scent, texture, and taste, engaging all five senses to bring yourself into the present moment.
Descriptive Object Exercise: Pick up a small object and describe it in detail as if you were explaining it to someone who is blind. This practice helps redirect focus from overwhelming emotions to neutral, tangible details.
Sensory Awareness Activities: Using tic tacs, gum, or another small treat, focus solely on the taste, texture, and sensation in your mouth, grounding yourself in the present.
These techniques can help parents regulate their own emotions, which in turn creates a more stable and supportive environment for their children.
Recognizing When Therapy is Needed
A common question that came up during the conversation was: How do I know if my child needs therapy? Becca explained that while stress naturally resolves over time, trauma can linger if it’s not properly addressed. Some signs that a child may benefit from therapy include:
- Persistent mood changes (irritability, sadness, anger)
- Difficulty concentrating in school
- Changes in sleeping or eating patterns
- Withdrawal from friends and family
- Regressions in behavior (such as bedwetting or excessive clinginess)
She emphasized that seeking therapy doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with a child. Just like visiting a doctor for a physical injury, therapy provides the tools needed to heal and move forward.
Encouraging Kids to Embrace Therapy
What if a child resists going to therapy? Becca suggested that parents should focus on normalizing mental health support. If therapy is framed as a place to “fix” something that’s “wrong,” kids may push back. Instead, parents can present it as an opportunity to gain helpful skills, much like going to physical therapy after an injury.
Additionally, curiosity can play a role here too. Parents can ask their children why they don’t want to go, validating their feelings while also explaining the benefits in a way that aligns with their child’s personal goals and concerns.
Building Emotional Resilience
At the heart of the conversation was a powerful takeaway: emotional resilience isn’t about avoiding pain—it’s about learning how to manage it. Parents can’t shield their children from every difficulty, but they can provide them with the tools, support, and guidance to navigate challenges in a healthy way.
By fostering curiosity, modeling emotional regulation, and offering validation, parents can help their children heal from the trauma of divorce and build resilience for the future.
