Phrases To Shut Down A High Conflict Ex

When a high conflict divorce is part of your life, co-parenting can feel impossible. Tessa Null, a certified divorce coach and co-parenting specialist, shared valuable insights on how to transition from hostility to a functioning co-parenting dynamic. Even if your co-parent is uncooperative, you can still create a stable and healthy environment for your children by focusing on boundaries, communication, and mindset shifts.

The Power of Mindset in Co-Parenting

According to Tessa, one of the biggest breakthroughs in her journey was realizing she didn’t have to wait for her co-parent to change. “You can decide to have the kind of co-parenting relationship you want, whether your co-parent is on board or not,” she explains. By taking control of your own behavior and reactions, you create a sense of peace that benefits both you and your children.

While some co-parents reach a level of amicability where they can share birthday parties and vacations, that’s not always realistic. Parallel parenting—where both parents operate independently with minimal interaction—can be the best approach when conflict remains high. “We don’t sit together, but we show up at school events. That’s enough,” says Tessa.

When to Be Flexible vs. When to Hold a Boundary

Determining when to accommodate your co-parent and when to hold firm is a struggle. To simplify decision-making, Tessa developed the Kind Mama Boundaries Decision Tree, a three-step process:

1. Does this benefit the children? – If the request is in their best interest, consider accommodating it.
2. Does this consider my own time and energy? – If it’s overly disruptive, you may need to set a boundary.
3. What would a professional say? – If unsure, consult your attorney or divorce coach.

For example, if your co-parent is consistently 20-30 minutes late for pick-up, making you late for work, you might say: “I’ve noticed a pattern of late pick-ups. Moving forward, if you’re more than 30 minutes late, I will drop them off at my mom’s, and you’ll need to pick them up from there.” This approach maintains their parenting time while respecting your obligations.

The KIND Framework for Communication

High-conflict co-parenting often involves inflammatory messages filled with accusations. Responding effectively is crucial to de-escalate conflict and protect your legal standing. Tessa recommends the KIND Method:

• Keep it short – Only respond to what is necessary.
• Information only – Stick to facts, no personal opinions.
• Nice – Use a customer service tone.
• Determine the end – Provide clear closure or offer two options.

For example, if your co-parent asks to switch weekends and it doesn’t work for you, a simple response could be: “Hi [Co-Parent], that doesn’t work for us. Let’s stick to the parenting plan for now.” Avoid emotional reactions or unnecessary explanations.

Managing Loyalty Conflicts in Children

Children should never feel caught between parents. When a co-parent uses a child to gather information or manipulate the situation, it creates emotional distress. “If your co-parent is using your child as a spy, you need to confront it head-on,” Tessa advises. “Set a boundary and, if necessary, involve a professional.”

Tessa also recommends the Santa Claus Method for determining what information to share with children:

• If they still believe in Santa, they need minimal details and strong routines.
• If they’re old enough to ask complex questions, give them a voice but not a choice.
• Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent, as children identify with both parents.

Practical Tips for High-Conflict Co-Parenting

1. Establish co-parenting hours – Don’t check messages 24/7; set specific times to review and respond.
2. Use a parenting app – Keep all communication documented and professional.
3. Keep your boundaries firm – Stick to the parenting plan, especially in the early stages.
4. Resist engaging in conflict – Don’t fall into the trap of defending yourself against false accusations.
5. Use AI tools responsibly – Draft responses with ChatGPT but always edit to ensure they align with your voice.
6. Protect your child from loyalty conflicts – Ensure they feel free to love both parents without guilt or pressure.

   High-conflict co-parenting isn’t easy, but with clear boundaries, structured communication, and a commitment to protecting your child’s well-being, you can create a stable and positive environment. As Tessa emphasizes, “You have the power to create the co-parenting relationship you want, even if your co-parent isn’t cooperative.”

For more resources, visit Kind Mama Divorce Coaching or check out Tessa’s book, Stella’s Two Homes on Amazon.