10 rules to make your divorce with children a little bit easier.
1. Acknowledge your cranky inner child — and put her in time out if necessary.
When the stakes are high and emotions are raw, it can be hard to act as objectively or calmly as you would like in a divorce with children. Giving up control over your children and not knowing what’s happening at the other parent’s home can be devastating. Especially if you are worried about your child’s physical safety, emotional wellbeing or academic success, it can be darn near impossible not to become crazy when your ex won’t help your child like you think he or she should.
Divorce with children is emotional and you will not always be at your best – you will revert to your child self at times. That may mean shutting down or acting out. By slowing your communications down you will reduce the risk of saying something you didn’t mean to say. Avoid text messaging or even live conversation in favor of email and take your time when drafting emails. As an additional precaution, ask a friend or trusted advisor to take a look at your communications before you send it. Take a time out when things get crazy. And forgive yourself for not always being your ultra-awesome reasonable adult self.
2. Believing what “everyone” says.
In a divorce with children you will hear many conflicting things about divorce during this process. Your story is unique. Your marriage and relationship is unique and so will be your divorce. You don’t have to do what your friend did when designing a parenting plan and there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to how you co parent your children. Timing, parenting plans, communication styles and parenting style all vary widely between parents. If you are stuck, get advice from people you trust. Trust your attorney. If you don’t, you need a new one.
3. If it’s not a court order, it doesn’t count.
Seriously. Even if the judge made a comment in court that didn’t end up in the order, it doesn’t count. You can’t enforce what a judge said, even if it was on the record, and there is no telling whether the judge will remember what he or she said previously or if they will rule consistently in the future. We prefer mediated agreements. Where we craft the order that meets the specific needs of your family. We like to take the guess work out of as much as humanly possible. That’s why it takes so long for us to draft our settlement proposals and settlement agreements.
4. A court order is not a suggestion.
This relates to number three. You MUST follow all of the provisions in the court order or be prepared to face the consequences. This can be very difficult in practice. Sometimes, in a divorce with children a court order comes with certain assumptions. For instance, let’s say you and your ex agree on a mechanism for exchanging information regarding shared children expenses and a procedure for reimbursement using a shared spreadsheet. Then the spreadsheet breaks, or information begins disappearing.
Some court orders are black and white- you must pay child support on time. Other’s are more wobbly- you must use a specific spreadsheet. If you find yourself in a position where you aren’t sure how you can comply with a court order because of practical impossibility, talk to us, we can probably make a proposal that will protect you legally should you find yourself in an enforcement action. More on enforcement here.
5. You can hate your ex, but it can’t affect your kids,
If you hate your ex, I get it. But it’s truly dragging you down. Hating your ex is a drain on your physical and emotional energy. The goal should be for you to be at a place where you honor what the two of you had and shared and created. You loved this person at one point and shared your lives together. Your hate is probably hurt. Getting therapy for the post traumatic stress you are feeling can be a fantastic way to gain back control and live your best life. That’s right, I just compared divorce to war and any other seriously traumatic experience people go through. It is not uncommon for people experiencing divorce or post divorce to have symptoms of PTSD.
Your safety, security, identify, and financial wellbeing have all been threatened. Your children will have a whole new life and you may be frightened about the stats you have read on children of divorce. It’s ok. There is no shame in acknowledging the massive trauma that is divorce. But you can and should move through it. Get a counselor, maybe try EMDR. Your whole life will be better when you decide to move beyond hating your ex.
6. The ONLY person you can control is yourself.
Accepting what you can and cannot control is one of the hardest—but most important—mindset shifts during a divorce with children.
- Repeat it like a mantra: you can only control yourself—this is difficult, but embracing it helps you stay calm, settle your case, and reach better outcomes
- Focus on becoming the best version of yourself, as this gives you greater control over your life and makes you a better parent
- Your role is to be the best parent you can during your time with your children, even if things aren’t perfect
- You cannot control how your ex feeds, teaches, or disciplines your children, and accepting this loss of control is part of the process
- Instead, focus on showing up as your best self and giving your children the tools to handle challenges and difficult situations—including those in your ex’s home
- This principle does not apply if your children are facing physical or emotional abuse
Letting go of control over others allows you to focus your energy where it truly matters—on yourself and your children’s well-being.
7. Practice saying “whatever.”
You cannot sweat the small stuff. This is especially difficult if you are a detail oriented, anxious or ultra conscientious person. If you are emotionally in tune with people around you and sensitive to their feelings and positions, it can be absolutely devastating to have people around your fail to reciprocate. How can you both honor your superpower and let it go when other people do not treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
- Tip 1: Refer to rule 6.
- Tip 2: Write down what is most important to you and go back to this list. If it’s not on the list — let it go.
Practice letting it go. Take up Yoga or meditation. Affirmations can also be very helpful to the emotionally sensitive super heros among us. If all else fails, embrace your inner pre-teen and throw your best What-evah!
8. Before you do it, ask yourself what the judge would think.
Your life is on display to be judged — literally. This is perhaps the most uncomfortable aspect of going through a divorce with children. Anything you may do or say could be deemed “relevant” to the “best interests of the children”. Imagine your every move being recorded and judged. Every text you send, every email you send, every comment you make on the phone to your ex, could be displayed for the judge to, well, judge. Even while going through this mess, you must be above reproach.
This is where self care becomes extremely important. You cannot expect yourself to get through this on your best behavior without ample sleep, good food, friends, and some healthy outlets for all this anxiety. Many people need short term medication for depression or anxiety- IT’S OK. Whatever you can possibly do to make your life easier, do it. Ask your boss if you can flex your hours when you have the kids and work longer days when you don’t. Trying to pack 100% parenting into 50% time can be really tough, so look for creative ways to make your life easier.
9. It’s time to get ridiculously picky about your records — because your case depends on it.
Staying organized may not have been your strength before, but during a divorce with children, it becomes essential.
- If your ex previously handled bills and paperwork, this may feel new—but now it’s your responsibility to gather all important documents and create a reliable filing system
- Since you may move frequently, consider using a scanner and cloud-based storage to keep everything accessible and secure
- Collect and safeguard critical documents like your passport, social security card, and your parent’s will before moving out
- Stay organized by making checklists and tracking key details such as dates, times, events, and receipts—without relying on others to manage this for you
- One of the biggest adjustments is handling everything on your own, from finances to daily responsibilities that were once shared
- Over time, you will adapt, build new skills, and become more capable in areas you previously relied on your spouse for
With consistency and effort, organization becomes a strength—helping you stay in control and grow into the best version of yourself.
10. Take care of yourself. No one else will.
This starts with being emotionally kind and forgiving yourself. Forgive yourself for the failure you feel that is divorce. Forgive yourself for not raising your children in an intact family or for disappointing your parents or friends. Forgive yourself for not meeting religious standards or sticking with your vows. Instead focus on the fact that you did your best, and probably so did your ex.
Life isn’t always linear and things can only get better. The stress you are feeling with make you a stronger, healthier, kinder and more empathetic human. After you emotionally give yourself a break, don’t forget about your physical body. It needs more sleep, better food, more rest, and movement. You cannot count on your ex, your friends, your kids, or your family to meet your needs. YOU MUST make yourself a priority and take care of yourself. Exercise, meditate, eat well, don’t drink too much. You know the drill.
For more information on child custody in Arizona, check out our comprehensive guide here.
